It took almost an hour to get to the clearing that Jerella and Rob often used for meditation. It was a nearly perfect circle with a creek running through it, and a rough semi-circle of large weathered stones ranging from knee high to shoulder high on one side of the creek. One could get there in minutes by speeder, but Jerella had never taken a speeder there. The place just seemed too peaceful for noisy equipment to fit. Octavia was quiet during the hike, almost brooding. Jerella respected her silence and just led the way down the narrow trail to where it opened up into the clearing. They paused at the edge of the trees, taking in the serenity and beauty of the place briefly, before moving into the open space. The only sound besides that of their movements through the thigh high grass was the bubble of the creek and, perhaps, a light breeze through the trees around the clearing. Octavia took a deep breath of the moist, green-smelling air, and pushed it out into a deep sigh, as if she were girding herself for something unpleasant. "Jerella, what do you feel about the games and what happened there?" Jerella picked her way to the flat rock at the center of the semi-circle and pulled herself up to sit cross-legged on it. "What do you mean? How we all got to practice a lot of our skills in a silly game of murderball?" She added, "I've got to improve my TK if I'm going to get any better at playing it." Octavia shook her head. "It's a good game for kids, and it will help hone our skills, but those aren't the games I'm talking about. I mean the arena of death." Jerella dropped her eyes... "I've tried not to think about that much over the last several months. I had nightmares for weeks after we got rescued." She held out her prosthetic left hand and flexed it. "I don't like what I had to do to survive, and I'm still fighting to get away from the desire to just do the easiest thing." Octavia nodded shutting her eyes against her own memories of it. "I don't mean to pull up painful memories, it's just--I need to find some kind of sense to all of this. The arena. Port Lansing. This path of a Jedi." "I don't think the arena made any sense at all." Jerella glanced over at her friend. "Something happened to you at Port Lansing." Octavia nodded. "I failed someone ... a family member I discovered last year. I don't think--I don't think I can continue in Jedi training." She sat down, leaning her back against another rock. "I think we all feel like that." Jerella looked down at the moving water beyond her feet. "I got to thinking about my failure during the games and, well, I think it's one of those Trials the masters talk about. Who was it, if you don't mind my asking?" Octavia was slow in answering. "My niece. She's thirteen." She paused. "Her name is Victoria. She's quite a bright person. I'm proud of the way she has survived despite the background I discovered. ... but ... I stood by silently as she killed her father." Jerella had closed her eyes and waited--being a receptive listener. But the last comment made her snap her eyes open with a start. Then she waited, refusing to judge. "I tried to talk her out of it, but there were so many--Tara Alderson-Palpatine, and others--telling her it was justice. She's only a child. No remorse in was visible in her eyes... She believes it was JUSTICE!" Octavia spat the word out. "Who was there? Were there any other lightsiders around to support you? Were you there under duress?" Jerella quickly added, "I'm not looking for excuses for you, but to understand the situation... Was SHE there under duress?" "I had an invitation from Victoria through Tara Alderson Palpatine. Victoria wanted to meet to discuss her custody. Victoria under duress? No. She was quite comfortable. As for lightsiders--I honestly don't think so. Though Lady Alderson seems to have her own set of values." Jerella said, "You said you had only met Victoria a year ago. Do you think that her childhood before you met would have taught her that other's lives have value even if they have wronged you?" Octavia shook her head. "I don't know... I doubt it. I heard my own brother admit he killed his wife because she was going to tell the Empire about him supplying the Alliance and the resistance. Victoria went into his mind and discovered that he would have killed her as well." She looked up at her friend. "It's wrong to kill for revenge, isn't it? Am I capable of killing because I was wronged?" Jerella answered, speaking slowly, "I don't think so. You see, while studying in the archives, I came across something someone wrote ages ago, that a child's character is pretty much well set by the time they are seven or eight years old... if they haven't been taught right from wrong, to have sympathy and remorse for wrong doing by that time, it's too late. I know that you didn't have the easiest childhood, but revenge was not a value that you were instilled with. "I'm not saying that you wouldn't have thoughts of retribution in your mind, but I don't think you could ever really act on them except in the most extreme of situations. And if you did, you would feel remorse for it... you would recognize that it was wrong and inappropriate." She bit her lip, "Not to accuse your brother and sister-in-law of being bad parents, but isn't it possible that they had formed Victoria's psyche in her early childhood so that she has never developed the capacity for remorse for wrong actions?" Octavia shrugged despairingly. "It's possible, though I cannot speak for another actions... she's so young to live with that.... She shouldn't have to live with that memory. And now the Emperor knows of her and where she is." "Do you think she would have listened to you if you HAD spoken up? Do you think that she might believe that you approved of her actions because you didn't try to stop her?" She added, "I DO think, that with the Palpatines present, if you had tried, you might have ended up a corpse along with your brother." "I don't think that anything could have stopped her. I did rise to try, but ended up on the wall as decoration." "I bet you couldn't get a sound out too..." She smiled wryly. "I, um, have been in that position too. Not too long before I came over to the Alliance." Syn Jinn's voice shook as she continued the recounting. "I agreed to sign my rights away, I couldn't even look at Victoria after she killed him. The person who made sure it was legal informed me that I was not to seek contact with her or to interfere with her, or I'd be shot." Octavia closed her eyes. "I did what she wanted, but ..." "Octavia, in the situation you were in, I really can't see that you could have done ANYTHING to stop her. You tried and were prevented from interfering by some of the most powerful Darksiders in existence. The fact that you are alive here and now to mourn how your niece turned out is a miracle." "Perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't walked out of there. The next day I faced the Emperor himself and he cut through my mind like butter. He discovered Victoria's existence and where she is.... I couldn't stop him. So much for training." The hopelessness in her voice was positively painful to hear. Jerella got up and embraced Octavia, sitting next to her and pulling her head against her shoulder in comfort. "Even Master Skywalker wasn't trained enough to prevent Palpatine from doing something like that to him. And he'd been a Jedi far longer than you or I have." She rummaged in a pocket and handed her friend a clean handkerchief. "You know, while the Emperor might have discovered Victoria's existence from your mind because of circumstances, I think that he'd have discovered her soon enough. Take it from a person with experience in a Darksider household, HE finds out all the secrets. So Tara would have told him about her eventually...he just got to you first." Octavia leaned on Jerella accepting the support that she offered. "Serris Suragar, Kiri and even Rachel said the same thing, but I felt I should have stopped him. First he enters my dreams and then this. Why didn't he kill me? It would have been so much simpler." She hugged Jerella, allowing her emotions to escape at last, through tears and a dropping of all her mental defensive barriers. Jerella caught the emotional outflow and briefly flinched before the intensity of the grief and confusion. Then she just let them flow through and over her, broadcasting comfort in return, until Octavia's tears began to diminish. Then, tentatively, she offered of herself to her friend, opening the door to her own self doubts and fears. *You made it through your encounter with Palpatine. You grieve when you touch on the dark. I exulted in it, back in the arena last year--I despised myself afterwards, but at the crucial moment, I failed in my quest to remain of the Light. If Palpatine ever gets hold of me again, the best I can hope for IS a quick death, because otherwise, I'll never have the strength to fight him and keep the Light I've learned to love.* *But I'm also learning that I'm not a deity, and I make mistakes that I CAN return from, and learn from and avoid making again. Even if it's only to do my best to not get into a situation where making those mistakes is inevitable. I know you are hurting. And what we've talked about won't heal it immediately. But you don't have to bear the hurt alone. I won't judge you. But I will support you and be your friend, and be there when you need a listening ear and an absorbent shoulder.* Octavia took in what Jerella was offering to her. The trust she was giving her. Octavia's voice was suddenly soft and sure, with the confidence of revelation. "You have great Light inside of you, it gives you a strength that you have yet to realize." Then her voice went back to a more normal tone. "I guess the Jedi are just human." She turned her head and looked at Jerella. "I thank you for your friendship, and I'm glad to have it." Octavia smiled a small, shaky, but true smile. "I'm even getting use to ghostly visits. My grandfather told me he had regrets. Guess we all do huh?" Jerella nodded. "Yes, but we also have things to remember with fondness and joy. You know, if a person's character is fully formed by the time they are eight years old, I had better get a move on, hadn't I? I mean--I'm already four years old!" She grinned in sudden humor. "Want to be one of the good influences on my life?" "Yes, and I think you've discovered the right way--through the children. Jeren will be a better influence than I, but I would love to try." Octavia wiped her eyes and stood. "I think we need some more humor. Let's get back to the academy and see if we can't find some kids who like to practice murderball." She paused. "Thanks for listening." ~To be continued
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