Entry Three I'm refreshed now. While I slept, a man was executed for blowing up an Imperial Official building. He killed 168 people. Citizens, government officials..children. He was put to death. Why wasn't I? I've killed before. I've assassinated others..but it was a mission right? It's different, isn't it? Deviance does depend on the society in which it occurs after all. Back to my story. So I returned to the court, and I told my master about my realization. Lon was unable to give me what I want, but neither could my master. I needed time to myself, to figure out where to go from there. I started to leave when my master grabbed my arm and pulled me back. That's when it happened. It was exactly like the arena battles on Tattooine. My vision tunneled and a white flash came at me. Before I knew it, I was standing in the throne room again, my master sitting in his throne. I felt disoriented, and everyone was just staring at me. I fled the throne room. I returned to my quarters. I had nowhere to go. I just laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was starting to second-guess my actions. I wanted to be with Lon, but the Empire is my life. What would I have had if I had run away with him? A life of fear…of constantly looking over my shoulder? My loyalty has always been with the Empire. Not even Lon could change that. I didn't even hear my master come in. He asked me to explain what happened, but I couldn't. To this day I still have no recollection of it. So he explained for me. I had been possessed by the spirit of my grandfather, Darth Maul. He spoke to my master and told him that I was the "sovereign of silence." I had heard this before, in a dream I had about Maul a few months back. I still don't know what the title means. I kept to myself for the next several hours. Looking back, I should have sought help immediately after it happened again…and a third time. I was too distraught and embarrassed by my earlier actions that I secluded myself from others..but the episodes became more frequent. Sometimes I would wake up far away from my room. Once I even found the phrase "I love Anthy Himemya" scribbled over and over on a sheet of paper. I couldn't sleep. I was too worried that one of the spirits might hurt someone. I was exhausted by the next day, but I was called into battle anyway. The episodes were out of control. They were happening as often as twice an hour. Still, I had to fight. I had to do my duty. I still had a responsibility to carry out. So I fought. I battled. I fended off the rebels. Even through the episodes of possession, I carried on..but it was eating away at me. I was drained, physically and emotionally. I was starting to regret and feel guilt for my actions toward Lon. Everything said to me this year, about being the sovereign of silence, about being a monster, about being..evil..was starting to tear at my soul. Shamefully and wearily, I retreated from the battle. I wasn't even sure what was real anymore. I sat down against a wall on the fifth level, and the next thing I knew, I was staring at a bloody knife on the floor. My sleeves were rolled up and my wrists were slashed. I heard voices. Then people started grabbing me and asking me questions. I just wanted to die then. I'm still not sure if one of the spirits had tried to kill me, or if I had done it myself. I didn't care. It wouldn't surprise me if I had cut myself. It took me a moment before I realized that I was being helped by two Jedi padawans. Jaina Solo I recognized immediately, the other was Nik-vie Windu. I never would have remembered had he not told me his name right there. He held my wounds closed using the Force as Jaina wrapped bandages around my wrists. Another episode hit me as I tried to stand. When I came out of the episode, I crashed. I couldn't stand it anymore. Nik-vie insisted on escorting me to the rebel base to take care of me, but I protested. Yet only after a few steps, I fainted from my blood loss. I remember him catching me, then I woke up in the rebel base. Being in their base came as a great surprise to me. When I woke, one Jedi was tending to my wrists while the other was healing my mind. I don't know why they did it. Why they bothered to save me at all. They could have been rid of another Imperial officer..of a Sith apprentice! But they didn't.. they saved me. What happened next was one of the most profound things that ever happened to me. I shall save that for my next entry. My master is calling me.
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