Psylocke's Journal:Entry three

Courtney Kraft

 Entry Three

I'm refreshed now. While I slept, a man was executed for blowing up an 
Imperial Official building. He killed 168 people. Citizens, government 
officials..children. He was put to death. Why wasn't I? I've killed before. 
I've assassinated others..but it was a mission right? It's different, isn't 
it? Deviance does depend on the society in which it occurs after all.
Back to my story.
So I returned to the court, and I told my master about my realization. Lon 
was unable to give me what I want, but neither could my master. I needed time 
to myself, to figure out where to go from there. I started to leave when my 
master grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
That's when it happened. It was exactly like the arena battles on Tattooine.
My vision tunneled and a white flash came at me. Before I knew it, I was 
standing in the throne room again, my master sitting in his throne. I felt 
disoriented, and everyone was just staring at me. I fled the throne room.
I returned to my quarters. I had nowhere to go. I just laid on my bed, 
staring at the ceiling. I was starting to second-guess my actions. I wanted 
to be with Lon, but the Empire is my life. What would I have had if I had run 
away with him? A life of fear…of constantly looking over my shoulder? My 
loyalty has always been with the Empire. Not even Lon could change that.
I didn't even hear my master come in. He asked me to explain what happened, 
but I couldn't. To this day I still have no recollection of it. So he 
explained for me. I had been possessed by the spirit of my grandfather, Darth 
Maul. He spoke to my master and told him that I was the "sovereign of 
silence." I had heard this before, in a dream I had about Maul a few months 
back. I still don't know what the title means.
I kept to myself for the next several hours. Looking back, I should have 
sought help immediately after it happened again…and a third time. I was too 
distraught and embarrassed by my earlier actions that I secluded myself from 
others..but the episodes became more frequent. Sometimes I would wake up far 
away from my room. Once I even found the phrase "I love Anthy Himemya" 
scribbled over and over on a sheet of paper. I couldn't sleep. I was too 
worried that one of the spirits might hurt someone.
I was exhausted by the next day, but I was called into battle anyway. The 
episodes were out of control. They were happening as often as twice an hour. 
Still, I had to fight. I had to do my duty. I still had a responsibility to 
carry out.
So I fought. I battled. I fended off the rebels. Even through the episodes 
of possession, I carried on..but it was eating away at me. I was drained, 
physically and emotionally. I was starting to regret and feel guilt for my 
actions toward Lon. Everything said to me this year, about being the 
sovereign of silence, about being a monster, about being..evil..was starting to 
tear at my soul.
Shamefully and wearily, I retreated from the battle. I wasn't even sure what 
was real anymore. I sat down against a wall on the fifth level, and the next 
thing I knew, I was staring at a bloody knife on the floor. My sleeves were 
rolled up and my wrists were slashed.
I heard voices. Then people started grabbing me and asking me questions. I 
just wanted to die then. I'm still not sure if one of the spirits had tried 
to kill me, or if I had done it myself. I didn't care. It wouldn't surprise 
me if I had cut myself. It took me a moment before I realized that I was 
being helped by two Jedi padawans. Jaina Solo I recognized immediately, the 
other was Nik-vie Windu. I never would have remembered had he not told me his 
name right there. He held my wounds closed using the Force as Jaina wrapped 
bandages around my wrists. Another episode hit me as I tried to stand.
When I came out of the episode, I crashed. I couldn't stand it anymore. 
Nik-vie insisted on escorting me to the rebel base to take care of me, but I 
protested. Yet only after a few steps, I fainted from my blood loss. I 
remember him catching me, then I woke up in the rebel base.
Being in their base came as a great surprise to me. When I woke, one Jedi 
was tending to my wrists while the other was healing my mind. I don't know 
why they did it. Why they bothered to save me at all. They could have been 
rid of another Imperial officer..of a Sith apprentice!
But they didn't.. they saved me.
What happened next was one of the most profound things that ever happened to 
me. I shall save that for my next entry. My master is calling me.

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