To Make Apologizes (July 2003)

Rebecca Miller & Ginna Wilcoxen

Nyssa reentered the gardens, her escort respected her desire to just be left to her thoughts. Taking a seat she thought back to her conversation with Cerelina and their sparring match. Cerelina was very good with a staff and Nyssa realized she had a lot of room to improve.

She looked up from the flower she had began to study when some leaves floated down. "Hello Ana." Nyssa said with a smile.

Ana peeked open an eye and looked down. "Hi," she said shyly. "I'm not disturbing you am I? If I am, I can move."

"No, you're not disturbing me."

Ana looked down at her. "Are you mad at me?"

Nyssa looked up her lavender eyes searching the trees. "No, I do not understand your actions, anymore than you may understand mine, but I am not mad at you."

"I'm glad. I was kind up scared you left because you were mad at me." She sighed. "Nobody seems to have understood what I was trying to do."

Nyssa nodded slowly. "Would you care to explain to me?" she asked. "I mean, I'm not one of you so I'll understand if you say no."

Ana fluttered down from her perch to sit on the ground in front of Nyssa.

"I was just trying to distract it so everybody could get away. I don't know why they didn't listen and kept making it mad so it would come after them."

"From my position it looked like you were the one making it mad. I heard the others saying to run, but none would leave you. Why put yourself in that position?" Nyssa asked curious.

Ana looked at her confused. "I don't understand why everyone is so hung up about that. I wasn't in danger. I've been in danger before. I didn't get the feeling I always do when I'm going to get squished. They kept hanging around and that thing was hungry and wanted eat them. I can fly and I'm fast. I was trying to draw it back out into the water away from everybody and then catch up. It would have only taken a couple of minutes, but no, nobody paid attention to me and it turned into a mess."

"The Jedi do not leave one of their own to chances Ana, if I've learned anything while I've been here I've learned that. We were suppose to work in a group, and draw upon our own unique strengths, I see that now. They wished you to join them, and then everyone to leave together." Nyssa looked at the winged girl. "I am far an expert on this, I'm use to working alone or those I've been training with ... all of this." she motioned with her hand. "Is very new to me."

Ana sighed. "Me too."

"I guess I'm not doing so hot at it."

"You are still learning and yet to be set in your ways." Nyssa grinned. "I on the other hand am a different story."

"How come?" she asked. "You've been here about as long as I have."

"But my training has been a long process. You will remain here and will train to be a Jedi. I will not."

"Why not?" the girl asked. "Don't you like it here?"

"It's quiet and very attractive, but this isn't my home. I'm here on an exchange program, though I've not done very well."

Ana was quiet for a moment. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"First I wish to apologize for my actions not only while on Dagaboh but as well as when we first met."

Ana looked a bit surprised. "You don't have to apologize," she said.

"Yes, I do. I was quite rude to you and to the other Padawans. I have put in a request to speak with Master Caudell when he has time to see me. " Nyssa bit the lower part of her lip. She stretched out her hand. "I would like to start again if I may."

Ana blinked and nodded. She cocked her head a bit. "You were rude?"

Nyssa pulled her hand back. "Yes, I was. I became emotional when we first met not realizing your culture and mine were different. I took your statement in the wrong light."

Ana looked at her and then at her hand. "Oh, sorry, I was supposed to grab a hold of your hand, right?" She grimaced.

"Not if you weren't comfortable with it. Why grimace?" Nyssa's lavender eyes studied the winged woman.

Ana sighed. "Because I keep messing up." She gave Nyssa a shy look. "It feels funny that people actually 'talk' to me. I'm use to being ordered around and told to shut up and keep out of the way."

Nyssa nodded "I understand that feeling all too well. It's different being in control of your life and your choices."

She nodded. "Kind of scary too."

"Yes, it is." Nyssa chuckled. "First thing you need to learn is that you don't have to grimace, the Jedi don't hurt their own, in fact I have yet to hear of a Jedi hurting anyone."

She nodded. "My teacher, Healer Season's really nice and she doesn't get mad at me when I mess up. My old Master was mean." Her wings shivered a little. "He broke my wings so I wouldn't try to fly away. Healer Season lets me fly all I want. She says it's good for me even."

"It is, it will help you gain confidence I think." Nyssa shook her head. "One has to take responsibility for their actions servants and masters alike. If I have learned anything from Lord Alderson it is to take responsibility and to be careful of ones words. Words are very important where I come from."

Ana nodded. "Yeah."

"What happened to your other master, was he a sensitive?"

She shook her head. "Don't know what happened to him. Healer Dora'Qua bought me from him at an auction and sent me here."

"Bought you?" Nyssa's voice was full of disgust.

Ana nodded. "Paid a lot for me too. My species goes for a lot of money on the open market. Healer Dora'Qua set me free though. She had to pretend I was her slave until we left the planet because she was there by herself and stuff."

"My sister was ... sold because she was sensitive like me my parents were ... they didn't understand what we could do."

She nodded. "My uncle sold me because my species is very popular because of our wings and our bright colors," she said, fingering a lock of pink hair. "My mom and dad though I was going to go to a special school he was promised to pay for. I didn't. I haven't seen them since."

"Have you tried to find your parents?"

She shook her head. "Not yet."

"I'm sure the Jedi would help you if asked."

Ana shrugged.

Nyssa raised an eyebrow. "Do you not trust them?"

"I don't want to mess up things here. They've been really nice to me and fixed my wings and everything. I don't want to upset them and get them mad at me if they think I would want to leave or something."

"Do you think the Jedi are like that?" she asked.

"I don't know," she said softly.

"You don't know?" Nyssa asked. "Then why do you remain?"

"They've been nice to me and gave me a nice place to stay and I'm in school and learning to read and all kinds of stuff. Healer Season is going to teach me to make sick people better."

"I saw how you helped Teagan, you have an ability."

"I do want to help people. Healer Season helped me focus on using my body to make me better when I got a nasty lightsaber burn on my back and wings when I was sparring. I just did that with Teagan."

Nyssa nodded. "I am not much of a healer I am good with animals."

"I like animals," Ana brightened.

"So do I, I do the best with winged ... birds."

Ana grinned. "Birds like me. I think they think I am one."

"Well the ones on Dagaboh thought you were an appetizer."

Nyssa blushed. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "It's okay. They might have tried to though, but I'm kinda feisty," she said with a mischievous grin.

"Perhaps you may have given them an upset stomach." Nyssa chuckled.

"If they could have caught me," she said.

Nyssa nodded. "It would have been interesting to see."

Ana laughed. "Would have been fun."

"I don't think the Jedi would approve."

"Probably not."

"I think you'll do well, just listen to your new Master."

"What about you?"

"I need to speak to Master Caudell about my actions on this trip and submit to whatever punishment he sees fit. I will listen to Knight Maruko for the time I'm here. Then I will go home and go over what I've learned and done here."

"But you didn't do anything bad. Why do you need punished?"

"I ... failed in my responsibilities to you and the other Padawans, as well the people I represent."

"How? I mean, nobody got hurt or anything.'

"That doesn't change the fact that I avoided my duty Ana, if I was at home I would have..." she smiled. "Well I would have had a lecture and very likely be taken to task."

"That stinks."

"No it's a way to learn to be aware of how you effect others."

"But you didn't do something wrong, you just didn't do something."

"That is just as bad."

Nyssa tried to explained. "I have to take responsibility for my inaction as well as my actions Ana."

"But nobody got hurt and nothing got broke."

"That is very good, and everyone was lucky, but if I was there, what if I could have detected the insect before it stung Teagan?"

"It would have been nice, but you don't know that you could have. You might have been bitten to."

Nyssa nodded. "Yes, I could have or my presence could have triggered the cats to attack. We cannot guess the what ifs, but we have to know that everything we do causes a reaction. Just as our inaction do. I left because I was angry, and from what I saw ... I saw an animal being tormented. I know it was a slug, but it was protecting its environment."

"No, it wasn't," Ana piped in.

"It's world was Dagaboh, and it's nature was to eat anything that disturbed the water."

"Yeah, but it wasn't protecting anything," Ana said. "It wanted to eat somebody that wasn't it food and I wasn't hurting it. That thing was so big and slimy that all I was doing was being annoying, like a bug landing on it."

"But was it right?" Nyssa asked. "I mean, everyone could have ran there was no need to annoy it. You grimace when you think of your formal master being restrictive on you. Can't a slug feel the same?"

"If they had just listened to me, the first time, it wouldn't have ever gotten that far."

"Again you think of how to change the past. If I had stayed, if they had listened to you, If you had listened to them and not used yourself as bait. There are many what ifs Ana."

Ana balled up her fists and rested her chin on them, bracing her elbows on her knees. "You sound like one of the Masters now."

"Sorry." Nyssa blushed. "My own teacher made me think over my actions. I find Mr. Rutile full of wisdom he is one of my many teachers."

"He sounds like a good teacher then."

"He is, so is Captain Fer'rer, Lord Alderson, Lord Du'Cruet, Lady Amalie. They all have many points of views and wisdom that I relay on."

"That's good you have good teachers. That's important. I never had any teachers for that kind of stuff until Healer Dora'Qua sent me here."

"Then give yourself time to listen and learn. I have made many mistakes since my new life, but I'm starting to realize it's all part of the learning process."

Ana nodded.

"I am still learning as well, I just saw many mistakes on Dagaboh, and I realize I should have stayed with the group. Each one much live and take responsibility for themselves."

She nodded. "Isn't that what the trip was about? Learning stuff? You learned stuff from it."

"Yes, I did and I'm grateful that no one was seriously hurt, none of the Padawans and none of the animals."

Ana nodded. "See, it worked out okay."

Nyssa shook her head. "This time maybe, but the next?" Nyssa asked softly. "Next time do we beat an animal to prove we can, do we put those with us in danger? That is what we need to think on and to learn from this."

Ana frowned. "I didn't beat it to show I could."

Nyssa watched her. "You know that Ana, but I didn't, the others calling you to join them didn't and I know the slug didn't. Regardless of its hard hide Ana, it feels. You seem to know pain and abuse, and you are studying to be a healer. Does a healer hit things to distract it or do they do what they can not to harm anything? Isn't that what the Jedi say 'Cherish all life'?"

Ana wrapped her arms tightly around herself, drawing her wings in defensively and frowning. "It was just a big bug thing."

"Yes, but to the planet it is part of life. Even the animals here that you never see; they each have something to give by their life, their existence then their death."

"It wanted to eat my friends. It was a bad bug thing."

"Your friends would have ran if you had only joined them. To exist isn't bad, it was doing what it was designed to do. All any of you had to do was walk away, I did."

"I just wanted to help."

Nyssa nodded her eyes narrowing. "The desire to help is a good thing, so is listening to those around you."

Ana nodded.

Nyssa watched her. "I would talk it over with someone more knowledgeable than I , I can only tell you what I saw and what I feel. I train hawks Ana, I see what they do, feel what they do and I would never put them in harms way. Yet if it meant saving the life of one dear to me if there was no way to avoid it then yes I would send them in to help. But with this slug there was a way out, a way to avoid no reason to confront."

Ana sighed deeply. "I got scared it would hurt somebody."

Nyssa nodded. "It is a difficult choice to make, and one that will take time to learn how to balance." She rose to her feet. "I should get back to my room I early practice with Mr. Rutile."

Ana nodded and stood. "I hope you don't get in trouble."

"I'm use to getting into trouble Ana, but I will state my reasons to mater Caudell and will trust his judgment." Nyssa bowed to Ana. "I wish you a good day."

Ana bowed and then the gave Nyssa a quick hug before darting back up into the tree.

Nyssa smiled then walked back to her room to wait to hear from Master Caudell. She didn't know where all that had come from yet it was true. She wondered what Lady Alderson would have though of the conversation, or Captain Fer'rer.

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