Favorite quotes


Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.

  1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
  7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
  10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
  11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
  12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
  16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
  21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
  23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
  25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.


Purranoia - the fear that your cats are up to something.

Cats don't get into mischief. Cats ARE mischief.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.


"Welcome to ITD! Can I have a doughnut?"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Intel - Putting the Backward into Backward Compatible.

"Intel Inside" - the world's most widely used warning label.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Windows - the only virus that takes up 20 megs of RAM.

Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

UNIX is like a Vorlon. It is incredibly powerful, gives terse, cryptic answers and has a lot of things going on in the background.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

PROGRAM: n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. new


Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down.'

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


Budget -- A method for going broke methodically.

I.R.S. -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Lottery -- A tax on people who are bad at math.


Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.


I used to have a handle on life... Then it broke.

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.

I haven't lost my mind; I have a tape back-up somewhere.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Clark's Third Law

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
-- Murphy's Eleventh Law


  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  4. There is always a way.
  5. The easy way is always mined.
  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
    1. when you're ready for them.
    2. when you're not ready for them.
  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
  17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
  19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.


43% of all statistics are useless.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Miscellaneous Observations

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.

I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

Just because I'm moody dosen't mean you're not irritating.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

So many stupid people, so few comets.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Always borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect his money back.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Don't confuse an open mind with a vacant one.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Common sense isn't.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.


Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Eschew obfuscation.

The katana has two sides, do not confuse them.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Abnormal psychology, when normal psychology just won't do.


Lawyers: the larval form of Politicians.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.


"When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and crying like his passengers."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Timeless quotes

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
-- Wesley in The Princess Bride

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place."
-- Douglas Adams, on Windows 95

"Macintosh -- we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end."
-- Douglas Adams, on the Y2K problem

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila."
-- Mitch Ratcliffe

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken

"In politics stupidity is not a handicap."
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain

"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
-- Mark Twain

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
-- Mark Twain

"A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather is fair and takes it away from you when it rains."
-- Mark Twain

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
-- Mark Twain

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
-- Winston Churchill

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
-- Earl Wilson

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- Page 9 of the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?"
-- Dave Barry

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
-- Dave Barry

"The road to Truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards."
-- Alexander Jablokov

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-- F. P. Jones

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

"When the time comes to leap in faith, whether you have your eyes open or closed or scream all the way down or not makes no practical difference."
-- Lois McMaster Bujold

"The mark of an immature man is that he dies nobly for a cause; the mark of a mature man is that he lives humbly for one."
-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

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Done by Kris Fazzari.

Last modified on August 19, 2002 by Kris Fazzari.

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